By Jason Offutt
If this story is true, I salute this man. He had a headache, after all, and a guy with a headache can only take so much.
The post on Reddit under the heading “offmychest” was labeled, “Am I a bad person for this?”
Unfortunately it was like every other post on Reddit, nearly lost in a wash of gobbledygook. If you’ve never been on Reddit, the “news” feed appears to be designed for people with the attention span of a puppy. The subject matter? Let’s look at a few of today’s links:
“A watermelon grew through my pathway light.”
“A two-pound lobster tail.”
And a video for, “My drunk wife makes “Grilled Cheeses.”
The social networking service serves up much more than “Grilled Cheeses,” it gives people a place to get things “offmychest,” like this man who stood in line at Burger King in Montreal for a hamburger.
“It was a very long line and I was at the end of it waiting patiently,” the man wrote. “When behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child.”
We’ve all been there, folks. Well, maybe not Montreal.
According to the post, the boy screamed for a pie, tossed his Game Boy when something didn’t go right, and punched his mother, who paid as much attention to him as she would a magazine article entitled, “How to Be a Better Parent.”
After a few minutes of this, “I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down,” his post continued. “Immediately she gets up in my face telling me, ‘I can’t tell her nothing about raising her child.’”
Then he turns around, and the mother tells Damien he’ll get his pie.
When the man reached the counter he ordered a couple of burgers and (I can only assume while smiling) all the pies the restaurant had.
He took his food and walked to the door where he turned back to watch the woman. “What do you mean you don’t have any pies left?” she screamed at the cashier, who told her where the pies went.
When she looked over to the pie man (if she could channel the Dark Side of the Force, he’d be dead now), the guy took a pie out of one of his sacks, bit into it, and walked away.
So the question is, if this story is true, did the pie man do the right thing? Let’s look at points one through five:
Dude was hungry.
The child was a brat.
The mother had the parenting ability of a mandrill baboon.
The pies were tasty.
Dude had a headache.
Given the fact that I once snatched a newly acquired Happy Meal toy (Dragon Ball Z. Whatever that is) from the hands of my screaming 4-year-old and tossed it out the car window onto the highway (after plenty of warnings I was going to do just that), I’m going to say yes.
I hope he enjoyed the pies.
Jason Offutt’s latest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run through the Upper Midwest,” is available at amazon.com.