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Twitter is making me famous, or not. I’ll go with not.

offutt_06I’ve been on Twitter since 2012. I didn’t say I’ve “used” Twitter because, frankly, over the past four years I haven’t determined its use.

If you’re not familiar with Twitter, it’s a social network a former student of mine described as “Facebook on crack.” If you’re not familiar with Facebook, it’s a social network where people post pictures of cats and state opinions they’d never say to someone’s face (which makes the name Facebook sort of silly).

In the past four years, I’ve tweeted 2,079 times, a paltry sum compared to the tens of thousands that young people log, mostly about whatever’s on their minds at the time (picture a squirrel running on a wheel).

I’m apparently missing the value of Twitter, a value the news media has not. Over the past decade, this outlet for political ranting, bad jokes and pictures of food has become an accepted place to go for information.

Newspapers from the “Podunk Press” to the “Wall Street Journal” print other people’s tweets as legitimate news.

How cool is that? I mean, even my tweets could make it into the “New York Times.”

Armed with this knowledge (this dangerous, dangerous knowledge), I went through the past few months of my tweets to find which ones may have gone into the pages of news sources around the world.

Aug. 24: The 11-year-old just dropped the F-bomb at the cat. I should be mad, but he’s right. The cat was being a #&*@%^.

Aug. 23: Being an adult means understanding ketchup is, in fact, disgusting.

Aug 14: My wife popped popcorn in bacon grease last night. I married well.

Aug. 8: (along with a link to a news story about scientists turning urine into beer): Well, this explains Coors.

July 24: A van painted like the Mystery Machine went down our street yesterday. I haven’t seen old Mr. Carswell since. Meddling kids.

July 14: The Pokémon Go craze is the beginning of a horror movie. I nailed all my doors shut before a lunatic thinks Moltres is in my kitchen.

July 13: It’s no mistake bacon and beacon are only one letter apart.

July 11: You never understand the important things in life that hand lotion denies you until you apply it; like opening a bag of chips or a beer.

June 22: Burned my mouth when I took pizza out of the oven at 425 degrees and stuck a piece immediately in my mouth because I’m an idiot. Can I get an amen?

June 18: A comment I wrote while grading: You never need to use the word “just” unless you’re talking about the purpose for whatever Batman is doing.

June 7: I just got an email on an account I don’t use anymore asking me to join the Illuminati. Sounds legit.

May 28: There are times in my house when leftover spaghetti and meatballs turns into just spaghetti by morning. I think it’s mysterious beef elves.

May 24: Going to live tweet writing my novel. Minutes of nothing at all punctuated by an internal argument on whether to use “a” or “the.” Riveting.

Oh, yeah. This stuff is gold.

Find out about everything Jason at jasonoffutt.com. His Twitter handle is @TheJasonOffutt.

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