What’s in a name? A bacon double cheeseburger

offutt_06The idea came to 33-year-old Sam Smith as most great ideas throughout history do – after way too many beers.

I suspect that’s why the pyramids were built. Never get into a drinking contest with a Dynastic Egyptian.

Oh, Sam Smith. The British man with an oh-so-British name spent a night out with the lads and this happened: he decided to legally change his name to Bacon Double Cheeseburger.

“Bacon Double Cheeseburger was pretty much the first thing that came up,” he said in the U.K.’s Standard. “It was the culmination of probably too many drinks in the pub.”

Just like the Dynastic Egyptians when they sobered up after a particularly wicked bender and said, “Well, we’ve already staked out the sites. It’d be a shame to go back on it now,” Smith had already committed himself.

“I’ve got no regrets at all,” he told the Standard. “(But) my fiancée is fairly reluctant about marrying a Cheeseburger.”

Bacon Double Cheeseburger isn’t the first person to show the world he’s an idiot. There are plenty of people who’ve legally changed their names to something mind-bendingly stupid. Such as former NBA player Ron Artest who changed his name to Metta World Peace in 2011.


“Changing my name was meant to inspire and bring youth together all around the world,” he released in a prepared statement after the court OK’d the change.

Uh, sure. Whatever.

In 2012, a 23-year-old from Nebraska legally changed his name from Tyler Gold to Tyrannosaurus Rex Joseph Gold. Not sure why. Maybe he has tiny arms.

Douglas Allen Smith Jr. of Oregon legally became Captain Awesome in 2010 because apparently he can fly. Or not. It doesn’t matter because according to a story on ABC News, his grandma just won’t stop calling him Doug, or Dougie, or Mr. Farty Pants. Anything less stupid than Captain Awesome.

Or Optimus Prime.

The National Guardsman formerly known as Scott Edward Noll of Ohio legally became known as the leader of the Transformers in March 2001. Yes, the Transformers, intelligent robots from the planet Cybertron. I guess Noll thinks he’s a 1970s red Freightliner FL86 triple axle tractor-trailer. Not sure how that works in the Guard, but I’m sure he can fill in if the M35 cargo truck breaks down.

Then there’s Chad Johnson, the former NFL wide receiver who, while playing in 2006, changed his name to Chad Ochocinco because his number with the Cincinnati Bengals was 85. Eight in Spanish is “ocho” and five is “cinco.” Eight-five, right?


I’m not sure why no one told Johnson 85 in Spanish is actually “ochenta y cinco,” or that he could be traded to another team and have to wear a different number.

Ochocinco changed his name back to Chad Johnson in 2012 because maybe his ego received a serious dose of reality in the form of nobody cares anymore.

Wow. With these names, Bacon Double Cheeseburger doesn’t sound so bad. Thinking about it, a bacon double cheeseburger never sounds bad.

I should change my name to something cool like that. Next week this column will be written by Beef Calzone.

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