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Kids say the strangest things and frankly, I need a translator
Jason Offutt, Contributing Writer
07-27-2010
Adults have a certain way of thinking that makes us, frankly, boring. We see a tree and it’s just a tree, not an environmentally friendly sweatshop full of cookie-making woodland fairies.
That’d be pretty cool, though.
Unlike us, children not only see the tree, they see the elves chained to its ovens, smell the cookies and hear whispered pleas to take the pointy-eared indentured servants’ case to the ACLU.
Children are more open to seeing the world how they want to see it, not how they’re told to see it. That’s why they say such weird stuff.
“Gary’s licking my swimming suit,” my 3-year-old daughter said. “Isn’t that funny?”
The Girl has taken it upon herself to tell everyone around her what’s funny and what’s not funny. Don’t disagree with her; she doesn’t think dissension is funny.
“What did she say?” I asked my wife. I often ask my wife to translate for our children. It’s not that I don’t understand them, I just don’t want to. Something in my head might explode.
“The cat’s licking her swimming suit and she thinks it’s funny,” my wife said. “Seriously, do these things still surprise you?”
No, nothing should surprise me anymore. Our kids say weird things all the time.
The Boy to Mom on breastfeeding: “Those don’t have cow’s milk in them.”
The Boy to me during the drive to preschool: “Let’s go get doughnuts. School is stupid.”
The Girl to Mom: “Your bellybutton’s full of cake.”
The Girl to me: “Candy makes us big and strong.”
While our children are forming their basis of how the world works – mainly by watching Scooby Doo, Lucky Charms commercials and hearing me curse at sporting events – I really shouldn’t be shocked by anything they say.
“No honey,” I said to my wife. “I guess I should only be surprised if they say something really crazy, like ‘I love you,’ or ‘would you mind if I did my chore without complaining?’”
But children aren’t programmed to behave like that, unless they want something, like graham crackers, or to join the Rebel Alliance.
The Boy: “I want to do a chore for money.”
Mom: “Sure. What do you want to earn money to buy?”
The Boy: “A gun. A big gun.”
Our 5-year-old son isn’t dangerous; he just wants to be prepared. Stormtroopers are tough customers, especially if you haven’t had your graham crackers.
But what should we, as parents, do to better understand our children? Absolutely nothing. Decades of living in a world where trees are used to make lumber, No. 2 pencils and lots and lots of toothpicks, has rendered us stupid to what trees are really used for – making cookies.
Maybe if we open ourselves to that reality, a swimsuit-licking cat would be pretty funny.
Jason’s latest book, “What Lurks Beyond: The Paranormal in Your Backyard,” is available at amazon.com.
