Editor’s Note: Dennis Carlson, our roving correspondent in Doomsday Studies and NFL futility, has been on assignment recently in Denmark, Norway and the Twin Cities. Finally thawed out sufficiently to write, he filed this report:
By Dennis Carlson
In a previous column I mocked the Mayans who attempted but failed to predict the end of the world. The reason I gave for my disbelief is that the Mayans weren’t around anymore and I figured they’d have seen that coming.
Since they missed that, I felt safe ignoring their warning and not cashing in my IRA and throwing one big hedonistic yee-haw barbecue complete with juggling bears, machine guns, and NFL cheerleaders. Something has occurred to make me reconsider. Even now I may be too late. You see, it’s not the Mayans who saw the future. It’s the Vikings.
According to Norse Mythology, the world was due to end last weekend in a huge disaster known as “Ragnarok”, which from what I have learned is when all the Norse gods, Odin, Loki and their lutefisk-noshing ilk, will meet in a gigantic cataclysm that makes the Mayan Apocalypse look like a Band-Aid commercial.
The reason for my positivity regarding this particular omen is because the Vikings are still around. I saw some playing football this past fall. Their fans might say it was something less than football, but my point is, they are still here.
Who cares about a Super Bowl trophy if Surt, the Fire Giant is just going to melt it down to slag, anyway? Their season was pretty much was a disaster anyway. But if your real job is to usher in the Apocalypse, who cares if you can’t win a football game?
This game will be good, played during the winter to end all winters with flames, earthquakes and a giant serpent that spits poison from its tail. Giant wolves will eat the moon and sun and a massive rooster named “Fjalnar” will referee the game and keep the time clock.
Another mega-rooster named ”Gullinkambi” will serve as line judge and bring the snacks. Apparently the gods Balder, Odin, Hod and Frigg will be on the injured list, because essentially they’ll be dead, but Balder and Hod will return from the dead and re-enter the game after halftime, which I assume will involve grog, opera and horned hats.
Either way my article is pretty much a moot point since my readership of one will either be smoked like a cod, or if nothing happens, going about business as usual, and preparing to ignore the next Doomsday Prophet.
Nonetheless, I’m going to the bank. Sorry you missed the party.
When not circling the globe looking for raging infernos and Apocalyptic roosters, Denny lives in Holt. He works for the railroad, is a volunteer fireman and loves motorcycles. He would take his cat Darwin for a ride, but he’s yet to find protective headgear small enough.. You can write him at Denn...@yahoo.com