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Whirled Peas: In nature, there’s no such thing as a net loss of body hair; it just finds a new home

By Dennis Carlson

A wise man once told me to write when I feel like it, because there will be times when I don’t feel like it. I have just been through one of those periods of time. I have had many ideas for “Whirled Peas,” but just couldn’t seem to come up with three hundred words on the subjects. The topics were pithy, to say the least, just not worthy of an entire column.
For instance, on the topic of hair, I realized that I am not really losing mine; it is just relocating to new locations on my body, like my back, ears, nose, and eyebrows. When I was younger I knew it was time to cut my hair when it got in my eyes. Now when it happens I know it is time to trim my eyebrows.
I like to think that I have a pretty nice mustache, but once while trimming it I realized that a hair that was extending over my lower lip was actually growing out of my nose. It’s kind of funny, but hard to come up with three hundred words about it.
I have learned that the chief component of all food is methane. Funny, but who wants an entire column on that?
I have learned that if you run habanero peppers through a juicer the results are the same as if a tear gas canister had gone off in the house. Enough said.
I have had stray observations about life that get a weird twist after running through the filters of my brain, just not enough for a column.
I have learned that if you take something apart and put it back together enough times, pretty soon you’ll have two of them.
I wonder if mind readers draw a blank when they get around stupid people, and when stupid people leave a room, does it feel like somebody smart just walked in?
I have also learned that I can put enough random thoughts together to get a column out of it.
I’m back.

Before being assigned to an undercover investigation on “The Magic of Methane in Marmalade” Denny Carlson was a semi-regular contributor to the Richmond News. He lives in Holt with his lovely wife, and a cat named Darwin.

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