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By Jason Offutt
Government drones, pandemics, teen drivers, car-stealing bears. With all these certain killers lurking in our skies, circulatory systems, roads and Toyota Corollas*, I thought the world had enough problems.
Apparently I was wrong. There are other killers out there, quiet, unexpected killers. If you’re a man, you may be looking at them right now.
I’m talking about boobs.
Apparently not owning any pillows, in January, a drunken Everett, Wash., woman killed her boyfriend in their mobile home with her breasts. According to The British Columbia Province, “She smothered him to death.”
I spent much of the 1990s watching “Baywatch” and never once considered Pamela Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth, or Erika Eleniak to be instruments of death. I mean, they pulled people out of the ocean, and saved California swimmers from earthquakes, serial killers, sharks, and, if I remember correctly, an atomic bomb, all while arching their shoulders. How could their intentionally camera-friendly boobs be killers?
It happens all the time.
In 2012, a German woman attacked her boyfriend, Tim Schmidt, with her breasts, 38DD, and was charged with “attempted manslaughter with a weapon,” according to the Huffington Post. The man tried to fight off his girlfriend when he couldn’t breathe and she wouldn’t let him go. He ran naked to the neighbor who probably pointed and laughed.
“It is clear she wanted to kill me,” Schmidt told the press. “She even admitted it to me on the telephone. I asked her why she wanted to smother me to death with her breasts and she told me: ‘I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible.’”
A similar case in the UK was reported by News of the World in 2010.
What’s happening here? I’m now hesitant to watch anything on The CW.
But death by boobs isn’t limited to humans.
UK Daily Mail headline: “Snake dies from silicone poisoning after biting model’s breast during photoshoot.”
In March 2011, Israeli model Orit Fox, posing for photographs in Tel Aviv with a boa constrictor, licked the snake’s face. More upset by this than Fox, the snake snapped at the largest thing it could find – her left breast.
The snake died of silicone poisoning. Yes, her boob killed a boa constrictor the UK Daily News described as “massive.”
I’m afraid to hug anyone anymore.
Also in March 2011, singer, songwriter, actress (and other things she’s really bad at) Courtney Love, watched her Pomeranian die after it ate one of her breast implants she had removed in 2002 and kept around the house, you know, just because.
Love didn’t know what was in the nine-year-old implant killed the dog, mainly because she had no idea what was inside it.
“They were bootleg implants from Mexico,” she told the press that had nothing better to do that day than talk with Courtney Love about her dead dog.
So, along with asteroids, terrorists, and Bigfoot, we now have something else to worry about.
Boobs. They’re deadly.
* In July 2010, a black bear broke into a Douglas County, Colo., Corolla, and backed it down a 125-foot driveway. Sheriff’s deputies caught the bear at the end of the drive because, well, it was a bear. It’s hard to operate a manual transmission without proper training and opposable thumbs.
Jason Offutt’s column has been in continuous publication since 1998 appearing in newspapers and magazines across the United States. Follow Jason on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.