By Jason Offutt
One of the biggest problems with the world is that everyone is generally under the assumption that they’re not wrong, when in fact they are. Terribly so.
Take for example, politics.
No, that would be too easy.
Take for example, religion.
No, that would be too dangerous.
How about women? Hmm, I haven’t had to sleep on the couch for a while. I’m beginning to miss its lumpy bits and all the Cheerios that have dropped between the cushions. However, one of the reasons I haven’t slept on our couch is because I can’t find it.
My wife has the tendency to move things around the house that if I weren’t paying better attention, I’d trip over. And by “things,” I mean furniture. The couch needs to go here … no, here. The loveseat needs to go here, and the … Well, put it all back where it was. I need to try something different.
For a while I suspected this behavior had something to do with me. Mom liked to rearrange the furniture, but I just thought she was looking for Dad’s “Playboy” stash, which of course I had hidden in my room. Now my wife is doing the same thing with the living room furniture, and I don’t even have a “Playboy” stash. Wink, wink.
But listening to my wife’s friends talk about how they’ve rearranged their living rooms, this couch-moving exercise has nothing to do with me and everything to do with women.
Why are women driven by the constant need to rearrange the furniture? In a man-only environment, the only reason for rearranging furniture would be if we stopped playing video games long enough to realize moving the couch slightly to the left would make it two steps faster to get a beer from the fridge.
My wife says rearranging the living room has to do with change.
“Moving your furniture around is like having something new,” she said like she’d told me this before, which she had and I didn’t remember. Ladies, don’t expect your husband to remember anything that violates his basic way of viewing the world, which is mainly through ESPN.
Change? What do guys know about change? We don’t even like to change our socks on a regular basis, let alone the living room.
I’ve come up with my own hypotheses* on the Bi-Monthly Wife Couch Shuffle Extravaganza that makes Man Sense: after watching us meld into the couch cushions in our underwear, women simply want to see if we remember how to stand.
So, is the female urge to rearrange the furniture in any way wrong? If my hypothesis is correct, sure. Ladies, if you want to know if your man is still “there,” just toss a piece of bacon on the floor. If he’s alive, he’ll move.
Of course, I’m not stupid enough to put this in print.
*Most people would use the word “theory” for a statement such as this, but they would be wrong. A hypothesis is a really good guess, like “if I drink all this vodka, I might be sick.” A theory is when you prove the hypothesis by consuming a dozen screwdrivers and throwing up all over the bathroom.
Jason Offutt’s column has been in continuous publication since 1998 appearing in newspapers and magazines across the United States. Follow Jason on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.